So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
