I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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