I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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