I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
