I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
