The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can't turn off my feet"
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize