he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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