I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
