Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
