I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
smell my finger.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
