woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
