my mouth tastes like poor choices
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
