my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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