At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
