I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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