Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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