is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
