If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
