So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
