Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
