Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Please, let me fuck your mom
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
