I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
