Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
