We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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