I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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