God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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