just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
