I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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