we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The feeling are messing with the penis
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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