shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He better not be in your backpack
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
