Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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