I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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