i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
