I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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