I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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