Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
