I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We are all done wearing pants today
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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