were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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