I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
