Have you finally orgasmed yet?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
