i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
