There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
