I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
