i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i need some magic done to my vagina
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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