i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I touched a dick in church today
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
