If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Randomize
