It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
