My liver just broke up with me...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
