the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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