You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
