whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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