Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
