Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i've created a new STD.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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