she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
