My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
