I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
