3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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