Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
